What a crazy week...

Life at home is busy...very busy.  Thank goodness Nick is home for the rest of the week.  I will miss him terribly when he goes back to work.  Getting two kids out of the house is going to be a real challenge all by myself, but with the proper planning, I can get it done.  Audra seems to really love her new little brother.  I hear "see baby?  Hug baby?  Touch baby?  Hold baby?  Kiss baby?"  all of the time =) .  She doesn't seem the least bit offended by him.  Im so glad.  I was worried that she would feel left out or hurt by his arrival.
So about my little boy...he is so sweet (of course he is...hes a baby!).  He doesn't cry much...just when hes hungry or getting his diaper changed.  He sleeps ok.  He LOVES to be held.  He is all business when it comes to eating.  Not a sleepy feeder at all, which is such a blessing when it comes to breastfeeding.  I took him in for his first doctors appt. last Friday, 2/18, and he weighed in at 7lbs 10oz.  He left the hospital on Wednesday, 2/16, at 7lbs 9oz.  So it wasn't a great gain.  Then today we took him in for a weight check and he came in at 8lbs even!  I'm so glad hes gaining well.  And note to self (and everyone else) breastfeeding is so much easier than bottle feeding.  Audra was bottle fed and to compare the two...wow!  I dont have to carry around all that extra stuff anymore...or clean bottles (which was my least favorite thing in the whole world to do).  I'm soooooo glad its working out for me this time.  I'm tired and I wish I was able to share the night shift, but I'm so glad to be able to experience this.

So life is good....great.  I'm happy.  I'm in love with the three people in my home.  I couldn't ask for more.

And then there were 4

I'm so in love.  Elijah was born on Valentines day at 9:59 a.m. weighing in at a healthy 8lbs 3ozs and measuring 20 inches.  He is so precious.  It came as a little bit of a surprise to me that the second is no less exciting than the first.  I mean, here it is, 3 a.m.   I'm EXHAUSTED, but I'm just simply too happy/excited/in love/pumped/thrilled-to-have-another-baby, to sleep!  So, please ignore the typos and/or non-sense making statements I may make.  I'm sad that Nick isn't here with me, but so glad he's the one at home with Audra.  She is still under the weather (definitely better, but still) and in a horrible habit of sleeping on the couch now.  It would be impossible for someone to stay with her other than one of us at the moment.  However, I had the baby SO fast that at least Nick got to hang with his new son for a long time today before going home to our first baby.  When I say fast, I mean FAST.  I will spare you the gory details, but from start to finish was only 3 and a half hours!!!  WOOHOO!!!  I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that, lol.  Also, I just have to tell you, God really answered my prayers.  I have prayed so hard over this day...the health of the baby, my health, labor, delivery, my state of mind during all of it...etc.  I cannot even put into words how thankful and truly unworthy I feel to be so blessed.  It humbles me.

My beautiful husband...what an amazing father...

Precious little angel...

Audra will be meeting him tomorrow, so I will have more pictures to post at that point =)

Day 12. Write about what wears you out as a woman.

I guess I just feel the need to try to be perfect most of the time.  I so want to be the Cleaver mom.  I want my house to be spotless and to be the perfect mom.  I want to serve my husband who works so hard so that I can stay at home with our children.  I want the perfect physique and to always appear to be polished and well put together.  I want to have dinner on the table every night by the time Nick gets home from work....a perfectly balanced, healthy, and delicious meal.  I want to be a better Christian.  I feel like there is so much more that I should be doing to glorify God and to be a better witness.

Its me that wears me out.  I'm just not that woman...and thats okay!  My house stays pretty clean.  I do cook sometimes.  As far as I know, Audra seems to be happy, although I always feel like I could be a better mom.  I sometimes wear make-up before leaving the house...although Im hardly ever out of my jeans.  I love God and try to make sure that I keep church a priority.   But still, I want to be better.  Its exhausting hearing the voices in my head that tell me what I should have done different in a day (not literal voices...no need for concern). What I could have done better.

Day 11. Post a recipe.

I don't have a picture of this dish, but I LOVE IT!!  Had I known last week that this would be a recipe I would post, I would have taken a picture of it then.  However, maybe its a good thing I didn't know, because its not very pretty, lol.

Artichoke Dip

2 cans of artichoke hearts, drained and coursely chopped

1 cup of mayo

1 cup of grated parmesian/romano cheese

1/2 cup of freshly grated parmesian cheese

Garlic to taste (I usually put about 4 cloves pressed cloves in)

Pre-heat oven to 350.  Mix ingrediants together and bake for about 35 minutes (should be slightly brown on top).  Serve with Stoned Wheat Thins and voila!  

I know it doesn't sound good...especially if you are like me and are not a fan of mayo.  However, I love, love, love this dish!

Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)

I feel like I am constantly in pursuit of being forgiving.  It's one of my many shortcomings, lol.  I pray about it, and try to be conscious of it.  However, every time I'm faced with the people who I feel have some how hurt me, I have a hard time letting it go.  So, I just try to remember what Jesus has done for all of us and still does for all of us.  If he can forgive me of the sins I have committed against him, other people, myself...how can I not forgive someone else of something much more insignificant?

Second regular post in one day.

It's 12:07 a.m.  I have to be at the hospital in 6 hours.  I cannot sleep.  I'm so nervous.  I know that whatever is meant to happen will happen and that I just need to leave it in God's hands, but I'm having a hard time calming myself down.  I'm worried that I made the wrong decision to let them induce me before 40 weeks.  You know, like I'm messing with nature.  I'm also worried about how the contractions will feel with Pitocin.  I know they are suppose to be more intense.  I just wonder if I can handle them without medication.  It was bad enough when laboring with Audra without the Pitocin and by the end of that, I would have married someone if they would have given me an epidural, lol (Im glad I didn't get one though).  I just don't want labor to be slowed any if I cant take the pitocin contractions and end up with the epidural.  There's no sense in worrying...I really just need to pray...

Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. Philippians 4: 6

  I am also finding myself kind of sad at this moment.  I don't know what has gotten into me.  I went to the store this evening to pick up a few things for Audra for the next couple of days.  Everytime I thought of her, I would tear up...maybe even cry a little.  I can't explain it, really.  I just love her so much.  I think I'm a little sad to know that in a few short hours, it will never be just the three of us again.  Not that Im not happy to introduce this little boy into our family, but I guess I have just so enjoyed directing all of my attention to her over the past 2+ years, its hard to imagine dividing that attention.  Its a very hard feeling to describe.
Thanks for reading. 

Induction Day!!

Is tomorrow!  I can't believe it.  So much has happened this past week that it hadn't really hit me until today.  I found out last Thursday that I would be induced tomorrow.  It's weird to be able to plan around it.  I just hope that it goes as smoothly as my first labor and delivery did.

Audra is on the mend.  She is still much sicker than I would have hoped at this point, but Im thankful that shes getting better and that I didn't have the baby during the worst of it.  We have been sleeping on the couch for the past 6 days and really, most of our time has been spent there even when not sleeping.  She hasn't really wanted to do anything.  She just started eating and smiling again yesterday.  So that's a good sign.  Its confusing though.  Last night she was the happiest I have seen her in the past week...laughing, playing peek-a-boo, 'cleaning', etc.  Then today, shes back to the crying fits and just laying around.  I suppose its normal, but I just don't know.  I just hope tomorrow is the best day so far and that Nicks mom and dad don't have a horrible day with her...and that she isn't too distraught over not being with us.  Hopefully I will have Elijah by early evening and Nick can just go back home and be with Audra for the remainder of the evening.  That's what I keep praying.  And for the record...there are some amazing drugs that they can give kids to help them when they are sick and Im thankful for that, but some of them do weird/scary things to them.  At one point we had Audra on a mix of Albuterol Nebulizers and Prednisone...wow, she turned into the most bizarre creature.  It was kind of scary really.  She became combative and confused.  Extremely agitated.  Then that night, she had the worst night terrors.  She would wake up screaming and there was NOTHING I could do to calm her down.  It was like she didnt recognize me.  She would try to get away from me and would hit me and just scream.  Then there were other points where she would just wake up and try to crawl right off of the couch and the minute I would touch her, she would scream.  It was awful.  Soooo...no more nebulizer.  Just the Prednisone.  Instead, we have been doing 'saunas'.  Just crank the water in the shower and sit in the bathroom with her for 10-15 minutes.  It really does help with the cough.  She doesn't particularly like it, but I don't like her to walk around not knowing who I am or where she is.  *Sigh*

I have also come down with the sickness over the past couple of days =( .  I think its exactly what Audra has/had.  Went to the walk-in clinic yesterday because I just couldn't take the pain in my face any longer.  They prescribed some antibiotics and a decongestant.  I do feel a little better already.  Hopefully even better by tomorrow.  Although even with the sickness, as long as I have a healthy baby by the end of the day, I doubt much could rain on my parade =) .  I can't wait to see his little face!!!  I want to smell him, look at him, hold him on my chest....Im so EXCITED!!

Poor little Audibell

She's so sick!  Bronchitis = /.  Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon and she will be back to her normal happy (sleeping through the night) self.  I guess its a good thing that I haven't had the baby yet.  I can't imagine having a newborn with bronchitis!  Talk about a heart attack for momma...

I've been craving Boston Cream donuts.  I bought two today.  I have already eaten one, now the other is screaming my name.  It was so good...fresh and soft.  Mmmmm.  And unfortunately, Im craving soft oatmeal cookies with strawberry in the middle.  Weird. 

So tired.  I hope I don't have to sleep on the couch with Audra again tonight.  Don't get me wrong, I love every minute of the snuggle fest that takes place when Audra is sick, but sleeping on the couch was brutal.  There just isn't enough room for the two (technically three) of us! 

Whew...

As you can see, I'm trying really hard to catch up on Project 31.  I have been so tired the past couple of days that its all I can do to watch t.v., lol.  I don't really know whats up with me...maybe labor day is coming soon????  I hope so. 

Speaking of labor day....I had my weekly visit with the O.B. Thursday.  Little Elijah is looking really good, and really comfortable = / .  So although my due date is fast approaching, hes just hanging out in there.  NOTHING is going on.  NO signs of impending labor.  Bummer.  However, Im really glad that there are no signs of distress or anything that would cause them to medically intervene. 

In other news, Nick was home all day today.  That was soooo nice.  I got to sleep a lot.  And Audra was super happy to spend the day with him.  They went to Lowes, Home Depot, and the Lumber Supply store this afternoon...every little girls dream, lol.  She told me they had fun though.  They apparently went fast in the shopping cart at Home Depot.  So cute.

Now that its 9 p.m., I suppose I should think about eating something.  Maybe some chili con queso and ceaser salad?  Sounds good to me!!

Day 9. What virtues do you value in yourself?

Honesty.  That is my number one.  I am very proud of my track record of honesty.  I like the fact that my husband, friends, and family know that when I say something, its the truth (or what I believe to be the truth).  They know that I would never purposely lie to them or deceive them.  And when asked my honest opinion, I give it. 

Day 8. Have a beauty secret (e.g. hair tip, make up tip)? Share, please!

About two years and three months ago, I traded in my highlights for a ponytail, my heels for sneakers, my manicures for short nails that wouldn't hurt babies, my dress clothes for jeans, and my make-up for moisturizer...on the days that I cared enough to apply it.  I became a stay at home mom to a colicky, refluxy, milk allergy ridden, sweet and beautiful baby.  With all of the spit up, lack of sleep, and comforting I did, my top beauty routine consisted of washing my face in the shower.  Somehow I fell into that routine of just being a comfortable mom.  Thats a-okay with me!  Nowadays, mascara is about as far as I go with make-up.  However, the one thing I still consistently use from my pre-stay at home mom days is expensive shampoo and conditioner.  Although, I did downgrade from Purology to Joico.  I just find that my hair looks and feels way better when I wash with a salon grade shampoo and conditioner.  Even my husband ( who used to be a Suave kind of guy) now only wants Joico...lol.  And I have yet to forgo my Lancome face wash.  I just love the way it makes my skin feel.

Day 7. Write a blog to encourage another beautiful woman.

This is Gineanne and her husband, Ryan.  I met her about a year after moving to Massachusetts.  Immediately we became friends.  We met at a mutual friends house, exchanged numbers, and actually followed through and called one another....that kind of thing just doesn't happen to me because Im so painfully introverted.  However, it was a match made in heaven, lol.  While we may not talk everyday (actually far from it), I always know that the next time I do talk to her (which may be weeks or months) she will be the exact same person she was the last time I talked with her.  The same exact person I met 7 years ago.  I love that about her.  Not to mention, I have never met someone who is as positive and uplifting as she is.  There were days (before children) that she and I would go to the beach and lay there for HOURS (the only other person I have ever met that loves that as much as I do).  We would talk about anything and everything.  By the time we would leave, my spirit would feel so refreshed...like I just got energized.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the sun and the ocean played a part in that (lol), but certainly the biggest factor was having such a good friend to talk through my thoughts with.  She has one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever seen a person have and its amazing that it never changes.  I just love her...exactly as she is.

Day 6. Jaded beauty. Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

Its sad, really.  I have long struggled with the world's definition of beauty.  As far back as 13, I have felt jaded by the world and the beautiful people in it.  I hate to admit it, but I still feel that way...maybe less so, but there are those days.
For me, the focus has always been being thin.  There were times when I was much younger that I longed to be a drug addict...because they were always so thin.  Mind you, I wasn't over weight back then.  I was completely normal.  Talk about sad.  Thank goodness I saw the wisdom in not being a junkie.
A little later in life, I had a bit of a hard time with an eating disorder.  I didn't even realize what I was really doing.  Didn't even consider it a problem until much later.  Thank the Lord it never really got out of hand and that I never became truly ill because of it.
I can't count the number of times I have beaten myself up for being big.  How many times I told myself that I wasn't good enough, that Nick couldn't possibly love me, that I would never go anywhere with my life because no one wanted someone like me to represent the successful.  I can't remember how many times I would scream and cry out about how much I hated myself, what a pig I was.
It has affected every aspect of my life.  Years of depression.  All because I was never so thin that you could see my ribs...and for a long time, thats what I thought the perfect weight was.
I'm thankful that I'm past most of that.  I have come to realize that its not about my weight at all.  Its about being healthy.  It's also about treating my body with the respect it deserves.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body," (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

While I still struggle with body image from time to time, I am amazed at what my body is capable of.  To be able to conceive and nourish and grow another human, thats a MIRACLE!!  Not to mention, feed and nourish that human after birth as well...wow!  God has blessed me in so many ways that I can only be thankful that I have a body that does what it does.  

Day 5. Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.

Oh Nick, how I love you, let me count the ways...

You make me feel important.  You make me feel like there is no one else in the world you would rather spend your time with.  We have been through so much together in the past 10 years and there is no one else in the world I would have rather had those experiences with.  You are a miracle to me.  It doesn't matter if I'm 9 months pregnant or if I've been kickboxing religiously and am in the best shape of my life...you love me because I'm me.  I'm so glad.  And I love you the same...you are the sexiest man to me...even when you have just woken up and look like a vampire (see above).  But you are truly most beautiful to me when you are just being you...

...a great husband, father, friend, man. 

I love you and am so thankful that you were made just for me.

Day 4. Style 31. Post a pic of you in your favorite outfit.

Lol....I can't believe Im going to post this picture, but here it goes....

Its 5:30 a.m., Christmas morning.  That is my favorite pregnancy top and my favorite pajama bottoms.  Put them together, my favorite thing to wear.  Not out of the house, of course, but certainly something you could catch me in regularly.  It doesn't make me feel pretty, but I'm all about comfort in these last couple of months.

Ugh...

I just feel blah.  I think I drank too much water too quickly.  That is one thing I look forward to not having to deal with after giving birth...being uncontrollably thirsty and not being able to drink as much as I want to.  EVERY time I drink to my satisfaction, that ice cold water with tons of ice in it (sometimes a lemon), I feel soooo sick after.
I also look forward to getting rid of this heartburn!!  Every day I have heartburn and its usually all day.  I wake up choking on it in the middle of the night.  I always feel like there is a volcano erupting in my body.  Lets see, what else....
I look forward to being able to sleep comfortably.  I cant wait to be able to bend over again.  I look forward to not making a big production of getting down/up off the floor.  It will be nice to not have to go to the bathroom a hundred times a day.  I look forward to not vomiting all the time.  It will be nice to be able to breath.  Hmmm....I think that's it for now.
However, I will miss feeling him moving around.  Right now, hes all mine.  I'm never alone.  I'm providing everything he needs...no one else.  That's kind of a special feeling.  While its no secret to anyone that I truly dislike pregnancy,  I feel so blessed to be able to experience it and have my own children.  I have gone from being extremely anxious about having a second (what if I don't love him as much as I love Audra?  How can I possibly manage two kids when on a lot of days, a toddler is more than enough?  Will I ever sleep again?  What if he is refluxy and colicky like Audra was?  Will I lose my mind? ...you get the idea) to being completely at peace with having another.  I am so looking forward to meeting this little guy.  I just want to hold him, snuggle him, take naps with him, look him over to make sure hes completely healthy and perfect...etc.  I think I just came to realize that I have no control over what life will be like with two, but that I will always do my best and Im sure we will all survive =) .

Matthew 6:34
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I have found a lot of comfort in this verse.  God will not let me flounder about.  He will not give me more than I can handle.  I have to just turn my worries over to him because hes the one in control anyway.  

So, I will not fail as a mother.  I'm sure I will have my bad days, but my children will be okay.  There is no question that they will always be loved by my husband and I.  I suppose that's all they really want anyway, isn't it?  To be unconditionally loved?

Day 3. Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

I have recently met someone who inspires beauty.  She is my pastors wife.  I have been following her blog for a little while and have only recently actually met her and spoken with her.  There is something special about her, though.  She is one of those women who seems to be a beacon for others.  She is a woman of God and it shines through her words, her children, and even in the way she carries herself.  She is graceful, honest, and simply just who she is.  No apologies.  I look forward to getting to know her better and I'm sure, learning a lot from her.

Day 2. What makes you uniquely you?

This is a tough one for me to think about.  I mean, there are a lot of people in the world who are opinionated, compassionate, introverted, honest...etc.  So none of these attributes, which are definitely me, are necessarily unique.  I think there are many of us who are awkward when around new people, who are selfish sometimes but in the same breath very giving, who can become horribly unmotivated but then turn around and blast a project through the roof.  Know what I mean?

Maybe my uniqueness comes from where I am, where I came from.  I am definitely the only mother to Audra....the only wife to Nick.  God made me specifically for a reason...he has a unique plan for me.  While I may not know what it is that my future holds or what God has set aside for me, I do know that my daughter wouldn't be the same if she had a different mom and that my husband wouldn't be living the same life that he is currently living, if it weren't for me.  That is good enough for me.

Day 1. What does beauty mean to you?

Beauty:

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

Strangely, this is nothing close to what I feel like beauty is.  Well, I mean I guess it kind of is.  After all, Webster isn't wrong.  However, I envisioned the definition to sound more beautiful, lol.

To me, beauty is my daughter laughing while my husband mercilessly tickles her.  Its also in the way she looks at the world...smelling flowers that don't really 'smell', but loving it all the same.  Or maybe I just feel like she's the epitome of beautiful.  Its her spirit, so utterly innocent.  She is pure light and goodness.  So sweet and compassionate.  I just love her.  

Maybe this isn't quite the answer for the question that was asked, but its the first thing that comes to mind when I think of beauty. 

Whats this all about?

I suppose that maybe I should have waited to start this.  Considering I'm 37+ weeks pregnant with my second child and all.  I may not have the time to update like I would like.  However, I think this blog is more for me anyway.  Kind of like my own personal journal, I guess.  But really, what is it for everyone else who blogs?  Isn't it just a document of your thoughts, feelings, day-to-day life? 

I am inspired to do this based on some of the other blogs I have read.  I especially like the blogs from other moms and other women of God.  It amazes me how someone I have never met can have such an impact on me.  However, I have to keep in mind a couple of things when I read these blogs....

1. I am not these women...we all have our own weaknesses and strengths
2. It does me no good to compare myself to everyone else....just be inspired and take what I can from anothers experience.
3. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it the truth.

Another reason I'm doing this is because of something called Project 31.  I love love love this idea...and I love reading the other blogs.  I'm obviously gonna be a little late joining in on this one, but none the less, I am gonna do it anyway!