My original post for this was very long. I went into great detail about my day and what kind of horrendous tantrum Audra threw today. Then I thought better of it, and erased the whole thing. I wrote it while I was still upset and still feeling a little worn down. I still feel a little defeated. Let me sum it up for you...
Audra is almost 3. She wants to be independent. She wants to test me CONSTANTLY. My threats are no longer effective. Now I'm actually having to carry the threats out. My mean look and stern tone are no longer deterrents. Even my panicked, your-about-to-do-something-dangerous, voice doesn't halt her anymore. Its unnerving to me to feel like Im no longer in control. Thats really what it boils down to. I end up analysing everything Im doing as a parent. Do I say 'no' to her too much and its causing her to act out? Am I not paying enough attention to her? Are my punishments not harsh enough? Are they too harsh? Am I even punishing her for the right things?
My heart hurts over her tonight. Once again I had to carry her out of a store, her screaming at the top of her lungs and hitting me...me fuming because shes being so nasty. And again, here we are in the car....her crying like crazy asking me "your happy?!?!?". Me: "No Audra, Im not happy. It doesn't make me happy when you don't listen to mommy. And it certainly doesn't make me happy when you act like that." More tears..."you ARE happy!!!". Me: "No Audra, Im really not.". Mind you, her little face is soaked with tears, and shes doing that choppy-gasping type breathing as shes crying. I go through my usual run-down of why I'm not happy, etc. But today was slightly different. Usually she will sob out a "yeah" or "sorry, Momma" or "I want to go somewhere else!". Not today. Today she sobbed out "I love you, Momma" . I could cry just typing it.
Does she think that just because I'm angry with her that my love suddenly stops? I suppose in the world of a 3 year old, it does sometimes. How do I convey to her that no matter what in the world she ever does or says, I love her so much that my heart could burst? For every time I hear her tell me 'no' and for every angry scream she belts out, I have in my heart the memories of holding her for the first time. The quiet snuggles of a 3 a.m. feeding. Seeing her first purposeful smile. Watching her take her first steps. Hearing her squeal and laugh as I tickle her. Even the not so distant memories of our morning hug and kiss.
I suppose if this is ever the extent of my heartache with her, I will be a lucky woman.
