Oh the tantrums....

My original post for this was very long.  I went into great detail about my day and what kind of horrendous tantrum Audra threw today.  Then I thought better of it, and erased the whole thing.  I wrote it while I was still upset and still feeling a little worn down.  I still feel a little defeated.  Let me sum it up for you...

Audra is almost 3.  She wants to be independent.  She wants to test me CONSTANTLY.  My threats are no longer effective.  Now I'm actually having to carry the threats out.  My mean look and stern tone are no longer deterrents.  Even my panicked, your-about-to-do-something-dangerous, voice doesn't halt her anymore.  Its unnerving to me to feel like Im no longer in control.  Thats really what it boils down to.  I end up analysing everything Im doing as a parent.  Do I say 'no' to her too much and its causing her to act out?  Am I not paying enough attention to her?  Are my punishments not harsh enough?  Are they too harsh?  Am I even punishing her for the right things?


My heart hurts over her tonight.  Once again I had to carry her out of a store, her screaming at the top of her lungs and hitting me...me fuming because shes being so nasty.  And again, here we are in the car....her crying like crazy asking me "your happy?!?!?".  Me: "No Audra, Im not happy.  It doesn't make me happy when you don't listen to mommy.  And it certainly doesn't make me happy when you act like that."  More tears..."you ARE happy!!!".  Me: "No Audra, Im really not.".  Mind you, her little face is soaked with tears, and shes doing that choppy-gasping type breathing as shes crying.  I go through my usual run-down of why I'm not happy, etc.   But today was slightly different.  Usually she will sob out a "yeah" or "sorry, Momma" or "I want to go somewhere else!".  Not today.  Today she sobbed out "I love you, Momma" .  I could cry just typing it. 

Does she think that just because I'm angry with her that my love suddenly stops?  I suppose in the world of a 3 year old, it does sometimes.  How do I convey to her that no matter what in the world she ever does or says, I love her so much that my heart could burst?  For every time I hear her tell me 'no' and for every angry scream she belts out, I have in my heart the memories of holding her for the first time.  The quiet snuggles of a 3 a.m. feeding.  Seeing her first purposeful smile.  Watching her take her first steps.  Hearing her squeal and laugh as I tickle her.  Even the not so distant memories of our morning hug and kiss.

I suppose if this is ever the extent of my heartache with her, I will be a lucky woman.

The iPhone has ruined me.

I have barely touched my laptop since getting the iPhone.  Its just so convenient (in most ways).  I Can't update my blog (well I could, but it would take me FOREVER), can't see everything on Facebook (but certainly enough to get by), can't sort out my e-mail like I would prefer, and I can't really follow along on one of my favorite sites about kids (get an app!!).  Other than that, I have never been so up-to-date on the news, lol.  Nor have I ever played so many Scrabble type games in my life.  Also new to me is carrying around my phone EVERYWHERE.  To the bathroom, while doing laundry, to water the flowers...how sad???  I have never in my life had my phone with me all of the time.  I think my husband is annoyed.  Rightfully so.  Oh yeah, and the PICTURES!!!  Oh the pictures!!  I have probably snapped a good 250 in the past month and a half.  Now if I could just find a good camera app...

And just because I can...

Have I ever told you how much I love them ↑?  Because of them my days are sunnier, my life is more complete, and my heart is so full.  Oh yeah, and this guy ↓?  Hes pretty amazing too...actually, really amazing...

...handsome too!

Pictures that were meant to be posted elsewhere

These were the pictures meant for this post

                        *My poor, sick, baby.  This was after an exhausting afternoon of blood work and x-rays☹

And then pictures for this post 

                         *My healthy fix-ens for an omelet.  Mushrooms, asparagus, peppers, and onions.

Little adjustments, big changes.

I recently decided that I needed to readjust a couple of areas in my life.  Heavy for an opening statement, right?  In short, I decided that I needed to eat healthier, exercise more, and be more conscientious of how I'm raising my kids.  Probably exactly what everyone else wants to change, lol.  Let me break it down...

Eating, yeah, I've been terrible.  I'm very lax, to say the least.  So Im starting small to be successful.  First off, this is a family affair.  Yep...no more chicken nuggets and french fries from good 'ole Mickey Dee's (ok, lets be honest, Im gonna cut down, not out).  Which means, no more Quarter Pounders for momma.  Also, no more meals/snacks in front of the t.v.  This is a challenge for me.  I was getting pretty bad about letting Audra have her snacks in the living room.  I was also in the habit of putting a movie on my laptop for her during meal times.  Bad mommy.  But lets face it, Nick and I arent in the habit of eating dinner at normal people times and I usually dont eat lunch until after the kids go down for a nap, and breakfast...well who needs breakfast when you have coffee??  So poor little Audra was eating her meals at the table with Nemo (or Elmo, Blues Clues, Buzz Lightyear).  No more.  For the past two days I have been sitting with her at the table (even if Im not eating) for her meals.  Im pretty proud of this adjustment.  Its long been our routine to make her food, sit her at the table, and turn on the movie of the week.  It really kinda makes me sad to think about it.  What kind of an example have I been setting for her?  *sigh*  At least Im making changes now, right?
So this leads me to cooking healthier.  Making sure I start presenting foods in a variety of ways and also making sure to introduce new (healthy) foods.   To my surprise, Audra is really showing some interest in things that she hasn't before.  She isn't crazy about not watching her movies anymore and asks for them every.single.time.  Ah well, she'll get used to it.
The excercise part in all of this?  Well, thank goodness its only my problem.  I would like to dedicate one night a week to yoga (slow changes, remember?).  The slow kind.  The relaxing kind.  I went to the Athletic yoga a couple of weeks ago and realized I had made a horrible mistake.  These people were pros...stand-on-your-head pros.  Im not even kidding.  While it was impressive to watch, it was humiliating to be there.  The worst part?  The class was an hour and a half long!  I stuck it out and did what I could, but wow...thats not the yoga I love.  I also want to vow to take a walk with the kids on nice days (hopefully at least 2 days per week).
Its time to make some changes.  Not only for myself, but for the benefit of my whole family.  Im hoping that doing this slowly will help me to make lasting changes.  Wish me luck!

This post was written a few days ago, but finished now...so I've actually been doing well for the past 4 days...awesome

New Day.

     Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(Ephesians 4:29-32).

I was a nasty person yesterday.  I was short tempered and said some hateful things.  I was impatient and not compassionate.  I was selfish.

I had a bad day

Audra is still sick.  Shes whiny and has a serious attitude problem while being sick.

Elijah is starting to look every which way while nursing...and then gets frusterated for some reason and will latch/unlatch a million times during a feeding.  Ouch.  

I got some news that I wasn't expecting.  News that changed my plans for the weekend.  Plans that I very much looked forward to.

I had to drudge out into the rain with both kids to the grocery store.  Audra crying and whining the whole time.  We were out of milk and that is of course, what Audra wanted to drink.

I wanted to take a shower, but Audra had no interest in going upstairs. 

It was a bad day

I would like to say that I took the high road and dealt with all of these things with grace, but I did not.  I yelled at Audra.  I put a shopping cart behind the car that was next to me because I was aggravated that he parked so close.  And I said some really nasty things about someone...even going as far as proclaiming that I hated them.  I took my frustrations out on Nick at the end of the night.  My behavior was less than honarable.

In hindsight, it wasn't really a bad day.  It was me who made me have a bad day.  Because Im selfish.  I wanted to take a shower.  I wanted to fulfill my weekend plans.  I wanted Audra to feel better and go back to her normal self.  I wanted Elijah to stop being so fidgety.  I wanted to stay at home and not go to the grocery store.  It all seems so insignificant when you think about the people down in the south who have lost their children, their grocery stores, their homes.  I bet they aren't complaining about not being able to take a shower.  I bet they would love to listen to the sounds of their child coughing and whining and crying.

So today, I will be THANKFUL.  I will be thankful for my children, the ability to feed my children, our warm house, our vehicles...I will be thankful for an amazing husband who loves our children and wants to spend time with them, who loves me even though Im less than perfect.  I will be thankful for friends who save my weekend plans =)

Lillies, shopping, and fevers.

Yesterday was an AWESOME day.  Warm, sunny, beautiful.  The neighborhood was buzzing with activity.  It was one of those days that if you tried to have the same kind of day the following weekend, it just wouldn't be as cool.  I stumbled upon an AMAZING deal at Stop and Shop.  Free Easter Lillies.  Yes, FREE.  So what did I do?  I packed my car full of them.  When I got home I gave some away to neighbors (trying to make friends, lol) and put a couple in my house.  Then I decided to plant the rest.  I dug and weeded for HOURS.  I also had some Columbines that we purchased earlier that needed to be put in the ground, so it was good timing to get free Lillies. 

I also went shopping for Summer clothes for the kids.  Surprisingly, I didn't enjoy myself as much as one would expect.  Free reign to spend money and take my time doing so with no children to look after should equal a good time (if you like to shop like I do).  Nope.  I was too concerned about the little girl I was shopping for.  Audra was at home, laying on the couch, fever, leg pain, and cough.  I just kept wracking my brain trying to think of what could cause all of those symptoms.  And also praying fervently that Elijah wouldn't catch it too.  I came up with possible strep, the flu, or a virus.  Im taking her in to the doc today to check it out.  Anyway...when shes feeling better I will snap some pics of her in her cute new clothes.